For the first time in my 4 years of practicing yoga, I did a magnificent crow today. I did not fluke my way into it, i got into it and I held it. I was in control and I loved it! If you knew me, you would know that I never ever thought I would do an arm balancing pose. I blamed puny wrists, moody cats and rich indian food, but I know it was fear. I'm not sure of what. The future? the past? spiders? my husband when he has had beans? my disapproving parents? i dont know.
But, is it a coincidence this happened a day after I was told I was going to be a part of something special? Something that would not only bring me joy, but maybe I could make someone else's day. I get to mentor a yoga teacher in Kenya thanks to the Africa Yoga Project. What came my way is probably not a big deal, but the way it happened; no amazing story, just a random posting i saw on facebook that I responded to. The lady in charge even told me the positions were filled up; and then suddenly an opening, was I interested?
i keep trying to show each person i meet how special and unique they are, and somehow I'd forgotten that about myself. And it isn't that I feel like some guru or preacher, I truly do not, (proof in first paragraph). But to think that someone else thinks that I have something to contribute, that my story is important. It was so unexpected and maybe that's what I had been craving all along.
Despite the hours of yoga, the reading, the workshops, the vegetarian food, the chanting and cathartic screaming, a part of me craves approval, that my loved ones will support my choices and decisions no matter how irrational or childish they seem. And I think this will go a very small way to show that even though I did not turn out as they had hoped I would , maybe I am not a lost cause after all.
Today I feel immense gratitude. The next steps in my life could amount to nothing or it could be everything. I know we are not supposed to look outside ourselves for validation but if we were that perfect, yoga would not have existed. Maybe all those hip opening poses helped me get into crow, maybe it opened up my heart so that i could feel more joy, or maybe they helped me release decades of insecurity, self doubt and loneliness which has made me react in such a strong way to something that might be a passing event.
Who knows? As of right now, I'm going to be showing off my crow to anyone who cares to watch. But if you have read this and if you are wondering if you made the right choices, know that you have. Know that you will know true freedom only from within. And when you truly stop looking for it outside, events will conspire to help you find your strength, your worth, your true heart from the inside.